How to Be a Better Customer for Paid Support Services

disclaimer to comply with CoC. This post is in Off Topic, was generated with the assistance of AI and is meant to be satire. In the real world YMMV

  1. Expect Nothing, Appreciate Less: When opening a support ticket, understand that you’re not just purchasing a service; you’re signing up for a masterclass in patience. If it takes months to hear back, consider it a lesson in Zen mindfulness.

  2. Document Your Journey: When your issue miraculously resolves itself because you were resourceful, self-reliant, or simply lucky, ensure you write a full dissertation on your solution. Remember, it’s your responsibility to backfill the gaps in the service you paid for.

  3. Be Psychic About Timelines: Always anticipate that no matter the urgency of your issue, the response will come long after you’ve stopped caring. Adjust your expectations accordingly—two months, two years, who’s counting?

  4. Celebrate “Looking Into It”: When you finally get a “looking into it” response, treat it like a champagne-popping event. After all, it only took two months. Your patience and devotion have clearly paid off.

  5. Public Complaints = Public Lectures: If you dare to mention your experience in a forum, brace yourself. You will be educated on how to behave like an ideal customer—one who never gets frustrated, solves their own issues, and asks no questions.

  6. Gratitude for Delay: Express genuine gratitude for delayed responses. Without them, you wouldn’t have had the chance to prove your problem-solving prowess. It’s really a compliment to your abilities!

  7. Free Support for Paid Services: When asked to share your solution with the community, remember that this is not optional. You’re not just a paying customer; you’re a contributor to the collective knowledge base. Think of it as an unpaid internship.

  8. Embrace the Irony: Accept that the bar for being a “good customer” is higher than the bar for providing “good service.” Consider it a character-building exercise.

Follow these steps diligently, and maybe next time, you’ll finally earn the privilege of timely, effective paid support.

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